it's me again...

Hello there!! back after quite a while......just curious whether i m back b'coz i m inspired to write again...or is it APRIL! uh-oh poor joke eh?!.....well, if u notice, my last post was in April 2010 and then i went into hibernation until the warm april weather forced me out again :)

So, what was keeping me away u might ask?....i had a pretty tight schedule running after my li'l naughty princess Rimsha 24x7.......whoever said it was easy being a mom at home..... but at the end of the day....my cutie pie's sweet jibber jabber and naughty pranks....wash away all the frowns on my face and put a big smile there...feeling really proud of how she's growing up and learning things fast..alhumdulillah!

The thought of getting back to work crossed my mind several times in the past year...but m still apprehensive about leaving Rimsha under anyone else's supervision....though i know my career is suffering real bad b'oz of this long hiatus from work but i would prefer this over losing my "peace of mind".....

This change in role from a "working woman" to "a housewife and a mom at home" has changed my perceptions about life and has left me reflecting over the way i have lived so far....i guess getting good education and living upto my parents expectations was a part well played at my end....next i went to esteemed workplaces and enjoyed excellent growth opportunities......got married to a decent guy....had a happy marriage....was blessed with a lovely daughter.....playing the best role of my life "MOM"............so many blessings n still counting............well, well, looks such a pretty picture so far.....but strangely enough i find a huge vacuum inside me...still struggling to find the meaning of my existence and though i have several roles to play now but i m yet to figure out the purpose of my life apart from being a mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister, etc.....

I jotted down this poem in urdu reflecting the unrest inside me.....it talks about the way i used to feel thrilled about the things in my life when i was a young girl....raring to go...ready to conquer the world, n then i dunno wat happened....i guess as i grew up i just settled down with watever came my way....i didn't really follow the roadmap i had made for myself as a young girl.........n perhaps i waited too long to arrive at the right point in life to start certain ventures....n now it seems that i don't have enough courage n inspiration left to go on the untrodden path..........but lately m trying to put together the pieces of this puzzle called life and make more sense out of my existence....


Vo josh e jawani vo walwala tha kabhi
Kehte the rukh hum hawaon ka badal dalenge
Hain ab zyada zaraaye aur aql bhi zyada
Par ab parwaaz ki sochein to laraz jaate hain


Hazaron pal hain chahakte, mahakte lamhe hain,
Magar ab choti si khushi ko taras jaate hain
Jo pal na lautenge, hum jitni koshishein kar lein
Vo ghataa ban ke ab aankhon se baras jaate hain


Tamam umr ka haasil ye samajh aaya hai,
Tum apne aaj ko jee bhar k jiyo chha jao
Na taalo kal ke intezaar mein bas kar jao
Zindagi ki daudti phirti rawan maujon par,
Na thaamo khud ko is tarah se, bhula do saare dar,
Khade rahe jo wahin doob ke reh jaaoge
Sivay bebasi ke, ranj ke, kya paaoge

Na khona maqsad ko raah e hayat mein Nauras,
Na apne khwabon ko tum yuhi bikharne dena,
Hai zaroori ke jiyo duniya mein is tarha tum,
Ke jaao bhi to tumhe yaad har ek fard kare


Some meanings:
walwala - vigor and enthusiasm
rukh - direction
zaraaye - means
aql - wisdom
parwaaz - udaan - flight
laraz - shiver
rawan - flowing
mauj - wave
ranj - grief
maqsad - aim
raah - path
hayat - life
fard - person